02 October 2019

Outside the Rabbit Hole



I remember feeling sad like this. I remember breaking into tears randomly throughout the day. I remember not knowing exactly why. I remember really wanting to be heard. I remember sitting with my grief, holding myself like a baby.

It’s familiar. I remember this. The feeling is old. Yet my breath is new.

The thoughts are old. Inherited from a version of me I had a history with. Yet the space in which the thoughts appear is new. The plate is new. The page is new.  You get it.

I catch myself before I sink into the dark hole of judging myself as a failure who still carries tons of baggage, who has failed to let go regardless of the tons of yoga philosophy she studied and drank, and regardless of the dozen trips to India.

I catch myself before going down that rabbit hole and I laugh a little. Because this cheeky little hopeful romantic says this is happening for a reason. This isn't punishment. This isn't misery. This is showing me that I am now dealing with that same old tension in a completely different way.

I am speaking up.

I have been feeling unhappy and bland. I have been experiencing episodes of mild anxiety and depression. I’ve been crying my ass off. I have been expressing a lot of anger, and I’ve been finding it difficult to communicate all of this calmly.

I have been feeling isolated as I try to navigate those waters. I have been craving intimacy, love, attention and care.

And it’s been hard noticing how once upon a time I had tapped more into the Love within and Divine Love “outside”, and now it’s difficult.

It’s been tough. And I feel sad sometimes.

But I don’t feel sorry for myself. And I don’t feel broken anymore. I know that mental health is a thing. A normal thing to talk about.

I just try to do what I can do.

I’m taking it day by day. Moment by moment. Feeling by feeling.

If you’re reading these words, please know that I just wanted to be heard (which has also been accomplished by me hearing myself out while writing this). I’m really not asking for solutions or reminders of how amazing and bright life is. This is an inner struggle. And today, I just want to be heard.

So, thank you. And bless you. And bless me for doing this.

Love.

Amal
Oct 2019

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