It has been a year since I freed myself of my corporate job in an attempt to be free of all unnecessary attachments and give myself the space and time to be, to go with the flow, to shed off baggage to the possible minimum and to accept nourishment from new concepts, ideas and schools.
It has been beautiful. It has been the most peaceful and enriching year I have had in my adult life. And I feel it is just the beginning, an intro to something deeply transformative. It had initially started with a big “shake” of destruction during a 4 month stay in India, yet, in the meantime, many things have been shifting in a subtle and gentle way.
Things feel like they are falling into place. I have cut down on my travels, learned to enjoy being in my country, staying at home, tidying my room, visiting the same grocery shop twice a week, keeping a loose schedule. I have been enjoying being in loving, nurturing, somewhat stable relationships. I have been feeling the spaciousness of space, the wide air that allows me to be, to fly, to turn, to dance. It has been relatively quiet. The drama gauge is on the very low side. I have been feeling expansively connected to the earth, flexibly rooted. Things depart my ground gracefully and I accept new arrivals gratefully.
Yet something peaks out. Doubt. It sometimes comes through people’s questions of how I have been. It sometimes lingers as I sit quietly on my couch staring at the window. It asks, am I happy? Am I really happy? Am I feeling the best I could feel right now?
Then again, why is it happiness we seek (as opposed to just quiet peace)? And if it is so, can true happiness also take the form of quietness, without the loud euphoric fireworks and big cheerful cheesy smiles influenced by Hollywood’s “American Dream”? Can I give you a short debrief about how I have been without my heart beating fast in excitement, without your eyes widening and jaw dropping?
And if it is not an extroverted representation of happiness that is sweeping me off my feet, is it OK that I am feeling even “better” just by being at peace?
Part of me is concerned because I see doubt in some friends’ eyes. Yet most people look into my eyes and say I look genuinely happier, calmer than I used to be. I say this not because I am necessarily concerned with people’s opinions, but because it is sometimes useful to reflect on one self through someone else.
Now I sit here staring at the yellow flowers on my coffee table and it fills my heart with subtle joy that I am in their divine presence. I stare at the pink and green garland from my birthday hanging on the bookcase with colors sweet to my eyes. I contemplate my new home “office” corner and a sense of delicate happiness passes by. Whether I look at the food I eat, the loving relationships I have, the yoga classes I teach, the tiny conversations I share, the minute encounters, the multiple quiet reflective moments during the day, I am grateful. There isn’t anything big going on. There isn’t a grand story to share. Very little is newspaper or stop-the-chat-on-the-table-I-have-something-to-tell-you worthy.
There are no big actions, no dramatic appearances, no super events.
There isn’t much to say. There is so much to feel.
And it is not a “state” I am in. It is a process. This process is unlabelable, unanalyzable and is beyond description.
I think it is called “being”.
Amal - Sep 2015