24 December 2014

The L Word

Over the past few days, I noticed that I couldn’t help but see absolute beauty in the faces of most people I encounter. I contemplate on their natural glow, mesmerized. I feel somewhat high on love - dancing in the waters at the shore of my heart.

And as this year comes to an end and my new adventure starts to unfold, I can’t help but see one evident theme that has waved up and down through the many milestones during the past months; love.

A year ago, as I came to mentally understand that I am the most worthy person in my life of my love, I “lost” whom I thought was “the love of my life”. Yet, in his space, a garden of new friends, acquaintances, thoughts, learnings and realizations bloomed. I did not realize how dependant I was on external love until I became surrounded with all that and still felt a void inside.

During my first few weeks in India, I came face to face with that void. With all my usual distractions and temporarily-filling attachments left back home, I felt harshly dry, unnurtured, lone and barren. In my “logical” head, I knew the answer, but accumulated experiences characterized by fear fogged my connection with the nectar of my heart. I struggled for days and nights, trying to find an answer, until one night, I fell down on my knees, sobbing like a child from the centre of my gut, pleading for an answer, promising to surrender to whatever it may be. My plea was answered magically and in the most unromantic way; 24 hours of diarrhea, vomiting and IV-drugging in an Indian hospital’s emergency room. After that culturally interesting experience - the sky was clear and I walked back to my room a cleansed and refreshed person. I’m not sure how, but it worked.

Love started to take new forms, shapes, flavours and lengths. With the letting go of many fears, love had a new air to be at ease. With the letting go of many attachments, love throbbed in a more present pulse. With love came compassion, joy and serene silence.

In this new state of experiencing love, I pause to wonder; why are we so careful about expressing love, receiving love and experiencing love? What’s the big deal about telling someone you love them? If it gives us such joy and pleasure to live love, why do we try to control it by understanding it? Why do we try to put rules for it, analyze it mathematically and treat it like a rigid mechanical state? Even fear of love is an expression of love.

Undoubtedly, each one of us goes through their own continuous journey to find love, peace and happiness. The beauty of it is that we may start at different places, take different paths, yet eventually, most probably, end up closer and closer to the same place we started; the most lively centre of genuine natural love; our hearts, within.

May you truly feel the love that you are. May you Love. May you Be.

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