I always thought I would be a wreck if it happened. We were beautiful, so in tune with each other. I was immersed in my happiness with him, saw wonder in him like an amused child. I lived every moment with minimal worry.
Almost seven years into an intimate long-distance relationship (oxymoron?), it came to an end. We could not manage to get married; his cancer-patient father did not approve. We fruitlessly tried and could not continue together.
On the morning it ended, I ran a mental alarm siren; took a day off work, called my mother and some close friends. I wanted back-support for when the emotional realization storm hits. Tearlessly coiled inside the warm comforting assurance of loving company, I waited, but it never came. No storm. No drama.
I kept an eye on my thoughts and feelings and after a while realized that my thoughts are being received and channelled through the Patanjali Yamas and Niyamas I have recently been closely studying, which are yogic values/restraints for life and living. These values kept popping up at many corners, gently whispering and inspiring me for days and weeks following the separation. This is how it went:
»»Ahimsa (non-violence) inspired me to watch my thoughts and not be angry towards my ex nor his father. It prevented me from saying angry words or taking bitter actions.
»»Satya (truthfulness) inspired me to see things how they are, without succumbing to drama, without exaggeration. It prevented deceptive stories from whirling in my head.
»»Asteya (non-stealing) inspired me to not take much attention and time from friends and family who showed love and support. It allowed me to accept love without yearning for more.
»»Brahmacharya (non-excess/containing energy) inspired me to stay inwards, to not drown into the situation and not spend all my energy and thoughts on its accompanying physical and emotional temptations.
»»Aparigraha (non-possessiveness/non-grasping) inspired me to accept that it is where it is now. To let go of any form of attachment, any clinginess, any identification. To not submit to new “replacement” attachments. To look at myself as whole the way I am.
»»Saucha (purity, cleanliness) inspired me to clear the clutter and keep my thoughts clean, to keep my love pure and my feelings genuine.
»»Santosha (contentment) inspired me to sense satisfaction in every encounter, to feel blessed for where I am, to see only good in all the beautiful things the relationship brought and to be content about those fruits being a gift.
»»Tapas (self-discipline, enthusiasm) inspired me to further ignite my internal fire, plan my travels, further studies and even deepen commitment to my personal yoga practice.
»»Svadhyaya (self-study) inspired me to read more, research through inspiring stories by others, as well as self-inquire through expressional writing and daily journalling.
»»Ishvara Pranidhana (surrender) simply inspired me to absolutely and completely believe that every step happens for a reason and that reason is good. To surrender to my internal wave as much as to the cosmic ocean. To accept, to have faith and to celebrate life.
Thus I sit in a mental meditative pose, hips open, as I observe this absolute beauty. I have very few words to say, and when I utter them they swing to the music of Yamas and Niyamas, and they take the shape of love. Unconditional love.
I don't know if that potential storm may ever hit, yet from the looks of it, even if it does, it would be much milder than expected. Awareness is key.
And that is thanks to yoga.