06 March 2020

Tender Pink

Like a little girl
I coiled
In the corner of my day
Peeking into
My tender heart
And I held
My pink grief
With deliberate warm fingers

I had a cancer journey
It's not all I am
Nor it is beyond me

Besides a few scars on my chest
It is this;
Deep tenderness
That melts my heart
With a mixture of
And humour
And love
Deep, warm love

She invites me to pause
Click Refresh
Look at this
And again
With new eyes
Every time
A little more loving

March 2020

Image source

26 February 2020

She & I

I stared
At her
Gushing with femininity
In that older, more innocent body
That never knew the cuts of surgery
Nor the nauseousness of chemo
Nor the grief of trauma
Nor the ghost of cancer
And I marveled
At how we can be
So alike
And so different

I marvel
At her absolute innocence

I see
So much strength
In her, lifting her tall
In me, drawing me in

I see so much faith
In her, zesting her life
In me, brushing my lips with the taste of gratitude

And though her right breast is full and plump and round
Untouched by buzzing machines and cold hands
And my right breast is smaller
Slightly crooked
And scarred
Although the flesh has been altered
And a layer of a bizarre story has been introduced to my mind
We both know
That she and I
Are simply
A hugging group of cells
In this vast universe
Seeking nothing
But tenderness
And love

Many paths
Many journeys
It always boils down to this
And love

Feb 2020

05 January 2020


Koggala Beach, Sri Lanka

Pink, blue, silver, golden
She calls
To drop my luggage down on the shore
Take off my clothes
Shed all layers
And dive into her
With Mother


21 November 2019

A Break to Breathe

Image source
It's difficult. When there's a voice in my head that says, "you're depressed, you've always carried this dark grief within you.”

I know it isn’t true. I know I had experienced joy, love, lightness, fun, even ecstasy. But when this cloud is here, it gets dark. And my judgement and vision are clouded by fear and grief.

Last week, in a lecture on anxiety given by a highly educated psychotherapist, I learned that when we experience anxiety, the frontal cortex of the brain kinda slows down. This means rational, cognitive abilities become limited, because the brain (and the rest of the body) instinctively focuses all efforts on the fight or flight response.

So, I’m feeling anxious, my thinking isn’t so straight, and my loved ones try to help me by talking rationally rather than offering comfort, compassion and helping me feel safe.

And as my anxiety stems from a lifetime-old fear of abandonment, I’m even afraid of asking for help to be offered the way I’d like to receive it, because that little girl is afraid that she’ll be judged as being too emotional then left alone. Again.

A vicious cycle of fears.

A gushing river of tears.

And heartache.

And feelings of loneliness and pain and desperation.

Paralysing at times.

I cry inside, “I just want to be held, I just want to be held.”

And I feel a need for help. Compassionate help. Emotionally generous help. Presence. Holding space. Nurture. Softness.

And I’m sick and tired of this notion of “find it all within” because sometimes it is too painful to do this alone. It is too self-destructive to beat about solo in the dark when I know it can be softer, it can be lighter.

I know, emotional detoxes can be shittily messy. The labour process to deliver a new, finer, more healed versions of ourselves is often not graceful.
But. Today. I need a break.

I need a break and I want to be picked.

I need a break to breathe.

To breathe.

To be.

Nov 2019

12 October 2019

The Optimist Curse

Image by Pennie McCracken

My curse is that I'm an optimist
They named me Amal "hope"
Perhaps to protect me
From the demons of my mind
Like that, I am blessed

I don't do tragedy well
Not anymore
This zest for life is bigger than any misery
The bed of my mind has been refurnished
With concepts of

While my pain sucks the tears out of my face
I simultaneously laugh at the illusion I've been sucked into
I know
It's just a story
I know
I'm just a person, being

My curse is that I'm an optimist
I cannot sink to the abyss of dispair and take it seriously
I cannot fully play the role
It doesn't happen

My destiny is to dance
My destiny is to dance
My destiny is to dance

Oct 2019

02 October 2019

Outside the Rabbit Hole

I remember feeling sad like this. I remember breaking into tears randomly throughout the day. I remember not knowing exactly why. I remember really wanting to be heard. I remember sitting with my grief, holding myself like a baby.

It’s familiar. I remember this. The feeling is old. Yet my breath is new.

The thoughts are old. Inherited from a version of me I had a history with. Yet the space in which the thoughts appear is new. The plate is new. The page is new.  You get it.

I catch myself before I sink into the dark hole of judging myself as a failure who still carries tons of baggage, who has failed to let go regardless of the tons of yoga philosophy she studied and drank, and regardless of the dozen trips to India.

I catch myself before going down that rabbit hole and I laugh a little. Because this cheeky little hopeful romantic says this is happening for a reason. This isn't punishment. This isn't misery. This is showing me that I am now dealing with that same old tension in a completely different way.

I am speaking up.

I have been feeling unhappy and bland. I have been experiencing episodes of mild anxiety and depression. I’ve been crying my ass off. I have been expressing a lot of anger, and I’ve been finding it difficult to communicate all of this calmly.

I have been feeling isolated as I try to navigate those waters. I have been craving intimacy, love, attention and care.

And it’s been hard noticing how once upon a time I had tapped more into the Love within and Divine Love “outside”, and now it’s difficult.

It’s been tough. And I feel sad sometimes.

But I don’t feel sorry for myself. And I don’t feel broken anymore. I know that mental health is a thing. A normal thing to talk about.

I just try to do what I can do.

I’m taking it day by day. Moment by moment. Feeling by feeling.

If you’re reading these words, please know that I just wanted to be heard (which has also been accomplished by me hearing myself out while writing this). I’m really not asking for solutions or reminders of how amazing and bright life is. This is an inner struggle. And today, I just want to be heard.

So, thank you. And bless you. And bless me for doing this.


Oct 2019

29 September 2019

Give Me a Break

Give me a break
New moons, full moons, planetary retrogrades
Hormones, PMS, ovulation and folicular phases
Tight fascia, stored trauma, issues in tissues
Weak muscles, hypermobility, compensations,
Cleanses, digital detoxes, guided meditations
Soul searching, karma, reincarnations
For this brain to accommodate
For the soul of the child in me to tolerate
When did a bird ever wonder what gemstone to wear today?!
When did a flower ever feel self conscious about her scent?
When did a tree ever feel she needs to protect her energy?
..or feel guilty about her sugar intake?
Let's keep it simple, baby
Like a drop of water surrendering to a pond
It has no idea it's two parts hydrogen, one part oxygen
It just drops
Onto water
No ego, it disintegrates
Just Be's
I want to just BE
Simply BE

Sep 2019

14 July 2019

Pouring Love

Baby girl
This love that moans
In the "lake that is your heart"
Wants to pour itself
Through your lips
And paint the forests of the world

Baby girl
Why do you keep those windows tightly shut
While you peek through curtains
A wall
Between you
And where your heart wants to play

Baby girl
Sweet, innocent, baby girl
Unlearn all what those adults trashed near your mind
Unfear the curses and chains
Break the shakles, baby
On the pavements of the world

Say, "I love you"
With the mirror
With floors
With the leaves
With faces
With spaces
With the etherical beings that embrace your soul
Say it
Be it
Pour love
From the magical lake within
Over your head and chest and shoulders
With ancient tears and lifefull laughter
Like the sun

July 2019

10 June 2019

Vibrant Gushing Life

Like the Earth
This body is

Red drips
Like honey
Breathing out
The music of
Divine cycles

Over and over again
This body
Amazes me
With its graceful resilience
This mind
Blows me away
With its faith
This heart
Melts, humbles me
With its gratitude

I am
With life

June 2019

29 May 2019

The Alchemy of Vipassana

Picture taken at the Chengannur Vipassana Centre
India, Oct 2014
Almost five years ago, at the beginning of a long journey I call Adventure Surrender, I had spent 10 days in complete silence at a Vipassana meditation centre in India. Silence as in no speaking, no writing, no eye contact, no physical contact, no reading, no phones, no yoga, no singing, none of that.

We meditated for around 9 hours daily, stayed in very basic accommodation, water wasn’t very clean and the food was poor.

Staying still for meditation was physically painful, all the weak points in the body would reveal themselves clearly. Staying still for meditation was mentally challenging, all the insanity of the mind would weave a million crazy stories. Staying still for meditation was emotionally difficult, all the mixed and raw feelings that needed to be dealt with presented themselves on stage.

But I did it. I disciplined my way through. And I came out the other end a new person. And now I rave about it as one of the best gifts one can give themselves.

Looking back now, I notice that those 10 days have greatly impacted my inner world and how it reflects on my outer world. Although I only sat down to practice the vipassana meditation a few times after, an alchemical shift had taken place within me ever since;

1. Honouring silence:
I’ve become extremely aware of my need for silence, personal time, and quiet. I know my limit when it comes to socialising and also keeping myself busy, and I know when to retreat and create atmospheres of quiet. And I do that diligently, unapologetically, with much soft compassion.

2. Anicca ~ Impermanence:
S. N. Goenka, the man responsible for spreading Vipassana globally, explains how impermanence is one of the basic characteristics of life. Everything is constantly changing. So holding on to misery is not needed. Holding on to a certain identity is unuseful. Anicca is a word that holds so much hope within it. Whenever I am in a stressful situation, I try to remember that it is only temporary.

3. Equanimity:
Do you know this word? It’s a good one to learn. Being equanimous is associated with being calm, having an even mind. For me personally, it is about being neither attached nor averted to surrounding phenomenons. It’s like being neutral, but it has more life in it. In a more practical way; if I’m under stress, I’d observe a situation without being mentally-emotionally involved or invested in it. This also inspires a great sense of openness, playfulness and freedom.

4. Ahimsa ~ non-violence:
One of the precepts we undertake when enrolling in a Vipassana course is to abstain from killing any living creature. Not even those tiny mosquitoes that cause me painful hives when they bite. This shifted my relationship with all creatures. Living in a home with gentle, natural cleaning products and even sweetly talking to those little insects that occasionally appear is a practice of great compassion towards oneself and all beings. It immediately brings a degree of softness into relationships.

5. Love & presence:
I repeat, spending 10 days in silence with yourself is an act of deep love and kindness towards yourself. I feel like I’ve seen myself naked, raw, crazy, silly, wild. I’ve seen what the mind can do. And I don’t need to run away. I’ve energetically and physically held, cradled and nurtured myself. There’s inner intimacy that was born that is sacred. It’s a sacred space within, with a taste so sweet. This intimacy inspires me to be present, to choose love, to have courage, to be me, to just be.

A friend of mine recently commented about how I have immense inner peace. I know better, I know I can also be erratic and angry and messy sometimes. Yet, I guess yes, relative to how I used to be in the past, there’s a greater sense of inner peace that prevails within me. And I owe a great deal of it the wonderful experience of Vipassana.

Some experiences are just magical like that.

May 2019

28 May 2019

ما هذا الحب

ما هذا الحب

ما هذا الحب
جامحٌ عارمٌ يغمر قلبي بأمواجٍ حلوة المذاق
ما هذا الحب العابر للأشخاص
العابر للعقل
العابر لكل المفردات
ما هذا الحب الذي أعيشه لحظة بلحظة
بل يحييني
ما هذا؟!
أهو هذا!
أحُلمي البعيد
أن أسكُن نجمةً
أن أكون نغمةً
أن أتقمص وردةً
أحلمي قد وصل..؟
أن أشعر بنفح الجنة
في كل خلية من وجودي..

ها هو الحب
ها هو الحب
ها هو الحب


Beloved Souls

Beloved souls
I see your radiant light
Through the vibrant joy in my heart

Your beauty
Exudes all matter

Your divinity
Is music perfuming the air

And I love
That I see You
I love
The Love you are

I love you


18 March 2019

I am a Mother

I'm a mother
I am a mother
To all my friends' children
To all my students
To friends
To my husband
My parents
The plants in my balcony
The bamboos that gaurd this space
To the little pieces of art I make
To my food
To Rainbow Residence

I am a mother
To myself
To the adult I am
To the child in me
To menstruation blood
To the thought of a baby girl
To ideas unborn yet
Their buds nestled in my ovaries
My ovaries
Throb with life
My ovaries
Purr with energy
These ovaries
These ovaries
Are hugged by the Earth
I stomp my feet
I open these arms wide
May Mother, like thunder, strike
Shake me
Shower me
Infuse me
With her Earthy Breath
I embody Her
I am Her
I am Her
I am a mother
A mother I am
And I radiate
With my full existance

March 2019

05 March 2019


I know it is true

You say it because
Need to say it

You say it
To bring light
Where it is dark
To show the truth
Where there is doubt

I know it true
Everything you say;
That my eyes are bright with life
That I am a cheerful child
That I am strong when I'm vulnerable
That my joy paints rainbows
That my grief brings hope
That I am a dancer
That I am light
That I am Love

I know it is true but
My guts
Want to vomit decades of lies
My guts
Want to scream out
Of darkness
And every inch in this body
To see
Beyond identities
Beyond labels
Beyond form

Every inch in this body
Wants to melt
Into all
Into one

Every inch in this body
To vibrate
With love

And prays
To taste the love
That it

March 2019